What Does Maudlin Mean?

Hmmm. Perhaps I should have stuck with a more everyday word like 'depressed'.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maudlin

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/maudlin

Although everyone I speak to about it seems to have the same impression of the word as me. Is this how words evolve? People getting it wrong until they change the dictionary to accommodate the mistake?

Will it work on the word 'mentalist'? To most it means crazy person rather than mind reader. The word 'mentalist' has been a source of light-hearted disagreement over at Mumsie's place for years now...

How Can I Stop Getting Maudlin?

It's annoying the pants off of me, so I can only imagine the annoyance level that other people must feel when it happens.

Maybe I should give up booze again. No fair. Although maybe it's rather a lack of caffeine... No way I'm giving up coffee.

And I swear I don't make up the "Music @ Last Post" bit, it's always true. Eerily appropriate sometimes, especially this one.

Hmm, Where Shall I Sit?

Picture the scene. In a movie theatre with in excess of 300 seats. Of those seats, fully 2 are occupied. Enters a couple. Where do they sit? Out of all the chairs? DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME.

You stupid ******* ****** *******. Romford is to blame. Full of *****.

How Can You Just Shut Everything?

London transport is a farce. Travel at the weekend is sometimes almost impossible. That's all I'm saying because I'm sick of talking about it.

Good thing I was in a good mood on Sunday night. Victory can dull any pain. Go on the "volleyball"!

Did The Power Cut Kill My TV?

Seriously? Co-incidence? Was there a power surge or something, because our TV is buggered the very same day of the power cut.

How Long Can It Take To Get The Electricity Back On?

Seriously, ten hours is not acceptable.

Thank God we have gas hobs so I could still make coffee!

Hipsters In London?!

I am branching out from my usual socialising spots and discovered loads. LOADS.

Nooooooooooooooooo!!!

Why Doesn't Our Recycling Get Removed?

Havering council is useless. Our recycling hasn't been taken for 3 months. 3 months!

Yet every week they take everyone else's recycling and even OUR regular rubbish. Why take one but not the other?

I'm sick of phoning them up, what should I do, physically put it on the truck myself? I would, but they never show up at the same bloody time!

USELESS!!! How I long for Redbridge... Never thought I'd say THAT.

Does My Digital TV Reception Suck Because I'm Int' Country?

Genuine question. My technical knowledge here is almost naught, but I thought digital was better reception-wise?

Every now and then it is useless, usually on whatever channel I want to watch. Like the last part of Red Dwarf for example. Still, I'm sure Dave'll be repeating it 'til the cows come home...

Is Upminster too far in the countryside to get good reception or what?

Effort Is Just Pointless Isn't It?

I have recently started consuming more fruit, drinking less alcohol and exercising more.

The result? I am now sick.

This correlates well with another phenomenon I have noticed recently. The more effort I put into styling my hair, the more abuse it gets.

Another one - work on essays at uni usually added a paltry 2-5% gain when compared to work I did in an hour the night before.

Also, back when I was a kid, I did an experiment invloving going to the dentist. One time I immaculately cleaned my teeth twice a day. The next time I did it when I could be bothered (not often) and just before going to the dentist. The first time round I was asked if I had been consuming a ridiculous number of sweets. The second time it was, yeah, that's fine.

Everyone stop putting effort into everything! Although not like that last example, that's gross.

How Do I Stop Losing Knowledge?

12 year-old me is looking forward through time completely ashamed.

I just did a quiz on flags of the world. Back in the day I don't think I would've missed very many, but today, a mere 124 out of 195.

And to miss Namibia! Home of Frankie Fredericks, that guy that played in the cricket and rugby World Cups in the same year and the dude that looked like he was going to drown whilst attempting to swim at the Olympics.

Shameful!

How do I stop losing knowledge with age!?

Is 26 Really Not Young?

So I can't get a young person's railcard anymore. Which implies that I'm no longer a young person. That wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the fact that now I have to pay full price on the trains. Not something that helps my notion of playing regular cricket this summer. Surely Bedfordshire deserves to witness my fielding prowess once more?

Why Can't I Watch MLB On TV Anymore?

Channel 5's MLB show was great, but now it's gone. Admittedly, last year I didn't really get into the Baseball much, perhaps as I was in New York for a lot of the time and the Yankees were sucking ass, but in seasons past I have been a fan and was hoping to rekindle that this season.

But no. Channel 5 dropped the show and no one to my knowledge has picked it up. It was a late night thing due to time zones and what not, so you'd think there'd be plenty of slots available, but some channels have their dedicated late night shopping and stupid quiz shows to air.

Thanks to JG, Josh, Dave and the crew for the years of gold. Who knows the next time I'm gonna get to witness an unassisted triple play? As for English TV Channels...

...Balls to you all!

P.S. Let me know if you hear that a channel has picked up MLB on freeview, I'll be in your debt.

April Fool's Day - Why?

That's gotta be the least effort I've put into converting a subject into a question ever.

I'm not against jokes and buffoonery, on the contrary, they are two of my favorite things. I just don't think there should be a day for it.

Every day should be April Fool's day! A joke is always better when you don't see it coming.

Is Cola Worse For You Than Beer?

So I have given up alcohol. But what are you supposed to drink when at the pub watching sport?

I tried Coke. 3 pints of coke is a bad idea. Sugar high, the shakes, having to get off the train halfway home to take advantage of the wonderfully clean facilities at New Cross train station...

Surely that's worse than the effect of 3 pints of beer on my system?

I guess I could try fruit juice. In an ideal world every pub would serve tea of course...

Why Do The British Swear So Much?

A generalisation to be sure, but my language always takes a turn for the foul when I'm here, and it's down to Londoners.

I am now attempting to use different (non-swear words) in place of their more obscene brethren.

For example, the f word is making way for fudge.

But this brings up another question. Isn't the meaning behing the word more important than the word itself? Just because I'm saying fudge, doesn't mean I don't mean f***. Surely given time and a growing use of fudge in this context, fudge itself would become a swearword. I'm getting confused...

Why Would You Voluntarily Worsen The Taste Of Your Beer!?

Seriously people, stop putting fruit in beer. Please, it's not hot here and there isn't an amazing fly problem to contend with. And even if there was, you're not supposed to stick a whole bloody fruit in there! It just makes it taste crappy.

Why Does The Underground Shut?

Why does the underground shut? Does it save vast sums of money? Is it single handedly making London 'green'? Is it preventing crime? What?

I just see it as a pain in the arse. But at least cabs are reasonable... WRONG. I was quoted £110 to get home yesterday. I've FLOWN TO POLAND for less than that. Does the trip come with inclusive Champagne and a 3 course meal? At least heated massage seats though right? No. Just a trip with a driver who excels in inane conversation and doesn't know where he's going. I'll keep the cash thanks.

So I'll take 2 buses and then walk for an hour. A 4 hour trip. Thanks London, you've been a wonderful place to live, really. I wouldn't prefer to be anywhere in the world.

Why Can't My Imagination Stop Working?

Nothing like presenting a completely opposed view the very next day. There are some times when you just want to relax or SLEEP. At these times it would be nice if my brain would please switch off.

Not totally, I still need to breathe and stuff, but some sort of imagination switch which I could turn to off would be delightful.

Or at least the ability to control what I think about. And that goes double for my stupid subconscious. Dreams about something different every now and then might be nice. Or maybe dreams I can't remember at all, that also works.

Why Can't My Imagination Work Any Place, Anytime?

This is another post that somehow didn't get published on time. This is the last and is from January. And since January, the situation has improved somewhat. I'll add how at the end.

It seems odd to me that the only creative moments I ever seem to have occur in just two places. When I'm in bed trying to sleep or in the bath. Why is that? If I sit at a desk or a computer and try to think of things, I have nothing. But difting off to sleep or sitting in water sans notepaper are apparently the best times for my brain to get creative.

And then what happens? I lose half of it through sleepiness or forgetfulness.

The situation has improved by me taking obvious, practical steps. I take paper to the bath and force myself awake from sleep. Easy as that. Still a pain in the arse though.

Can I Have My Post Back?

So this originally was a post (no pun intended, for once) back on the 13th of December, and for some reason it didn't get delivered on time (that one I meant). So here it is, from the annals of history...

Royal Mail - crap. Over the years, an alarmingly high proportion of my mail has vanished. Most of it sent from local areas too. I've missed out on Christmas cards, bills and I'm sure a plethora of fascinating junk mail.

And yet, if someone sends me something from across the continent, or from an entirely different one, I always seem to get it. Is it given priority? Should I send all my mail via Africa, just to be sure?

Is there a maverick postman/woman or two that's robbing my stuff? If so, can I have it back?

Shouldn't You Tell Me?

Yes folks, I have finally fallen into a life of substance abuse...

Not really, I had an MMR jab this week, honest. Apparently everyone needs two and I only had the one. When I spoke to the receptionist at my local GP's, she was in agreement an booked me in for an appointment.

Then when I turned up it took five attempts at explaining the situation to the nurse. And even when she finally gave me the shot, I still don't think she knew why she was doing it. But my problem isn't that she was making sure I needed it, my problem is this: why didn't THEY tell me I needed it?

They have my medical records, so they should know right? When it comes to contagious stuff, shouldn't you be notified when you need a shot? What if plague makes a comeback, are they gonna wait for every individual person to think, hold up, do I need a shot for this? Because most people [me obviously included] don't know squat about medicine.

Will A Rowing Machine Help Me Play Football?

I bloody hope so. I'm in England and it's March, so it's cold and wet and miserable outside. Also, people are rubbish. Thus, exercise needs to happen inside. Also, for free. So the rowing machine it is.

Will it help me run for longer on the football pitch? I bloody hope so yet a further time! Last time I played footie I almost collapsed after an hour. An hour! Used to be I could run all day.

Damn memories of youth fading into obscurity. Stupid aging process. But I'm accumulating experience and knowledge right? Right!?

Am I Ginger?

Yes I am. There are probably not all that many people who will argue that they are, but I am one of them.

There have been a couple of doubts cast on my hair colour recently, with words like "brown" being thrown about recklessly. Then I mentioned it to Mumsie and her response was essentially, "You're not as ginger as me."

Ouch.

The fuzz were the first to question it. A couple of years back I got stopped and searched, by a highly pleasant and professional officer at Tower Hill tube station. It was only an hour or so later, when looking at the form he gave me that I realised he had put my hair colour down as brown. Brown! Outrageous.

There are 2 reasons I am talking about this. Firstly, I am bloody ginger! And secondly, I reckon the colour of my hair has made quite an impact on my life, and I'm reluctant to lose it. Having red hair makes you less likely to take offence, because if you did, you'd always be annoyed, and as far as I can tell, it's made me a lot more likely to resort to humour. So I wouldn't be half as funny if it wasn't for the ginger gene...

What Can This Dream Possibly Mean?

Really, I want an answer on this one, cos I'm clueless. Before I regale you with it, I will say that it is a repeat offender to my subconscious and I haven't played either of the games mentioned for years.

So, the setting has a 'Red Alert'/'GTA 2' appearance - dubious graphics and a top down viewpoint. I'm escorting someone through the streets of a city, when suddenly they are attacked. I step up and do my job, defence, and drive the attackers away. Then the cops come after me. The person I'm escorting does a runner and I'm on my own. I scarper. Through some dodgy looking alleyways, I escape the fuzz. Then the 'Red Alert' aspect comes in. I'm now getting pursued by tanks. And it's not even the Commies, it's the damn Allies! I head for the sea and dive in, foolishly thinking I'm safe. Suddenly the water is full of Allied Cruisers and they're shooting away. I swim like a boy being chased by sharky sharky, and it's going well. I get to this huge wall, find stairs and get to the other side where it looks like open ocean, no sign of pursuit. But no! What can only be described as a garbage scow is heading straight for me. It's absurdly fast and agile and despite my best efforts, it rams me into the wall, splat. Claret everywhere, and I'm dead. Game over.

WTF?!

Why Can't Helium Balloons Last Forever?

There is NOTHING sadder in this world than a Helium balloon that's run out of juice. A downbeat puppy? Not as sad. A wet kitty? Not as sad. Because they have the prospect of rejuvenation, a helium balloon past it's sell by is done for.

Why am I talking about helium balloons? Because about 2 weeks ago, we rescued one from a multi-storey car park, and today is the day that it's sorry ass is on the floor :(

It did well, 2 weeks is a lot longer than I ever remember a helium balloon lasting before, but still, it's sad.

So here's to you Reginald! May your balloon afterlife be all that you expected and hoped for. Not yet though, now you don't float properly I can play keepy uppy without cheating...

What Happened To All The Good Children's TV?

When I was a boy, TV shows were great. Not only entertaining, but educational too. I was mostly in it for the entertainment of course, but looking back and comparing those shows to the drivel on today raises a fairly stark contrast.

People complain about TV being bad for kids, but if you make good stuff and put it on, it can be a benefit too. Look at shows like Willy Fog, Ulysses and Cities Of Gold. Outstanding stuff, and also teach a degree of history, science and geography to youngsters.

What's on nowadays? Dick and Dom, The Chuckle Brothers, Arthur? All crap. Brain numbing and boring to boot.

Maybe in this case, it's English made shows seriously sucking ass, cos if memory serves, all the above beacons of children's TV were made in Europe.

I think I'll get all the good old shows on DVD on the off chance I ever have kids. Hopefully by that time the Chuckle Brothers'll be gone...

Why Don't You Stay There!?

I'm outraged by sheer idiocy!

About 99% of people trying to get on the Northern Line out of Kings Cross today at about 1215 should be rounded up and shot.

Why gather in large groups in the only open entrance? Why? There was SO MUCH room all along the damn platform.

I can't even blame commuters cos it's Saturday. So instead I'm gonna blame tourists and this, the worst and stupidest day ever invented by people who want cash. "It's V-Day, let's go to Paris." Yeah, it's gonna be REAL romantic with hundreds of thousands of prats like you wondering about.

DON'T COME BACK!

How Stupid Can You Be?

Your common, run of the mill thief is very probably an opportunistic idiot.

I base this mostly on an encounter on Saturday, in which a large (wide) dude attempted to steal my flatmates car from in front of our house. On a well lit corner, on a main road, in front of a house where the lights were on.

He compounded his idiocy by attempting to gain access via the passenger door, which was MUCH clearer to see from all angles. Including from the window from which I spied him.

Kudos.

To Smiley Or Not To Smiley?

I used to hate smiley's. With a passion. Now I can't understand text without them. Is that an angry statement or is it tongue in cheek? What does that exclamation mark mean?!

It's almost like I'm scared to be sarcastic myself now, through fear of inducing hatred wherever I send an e-mail or text.

And don't get me started on instant messaging! When I die, my hell will be in instant message form. Horrible!

Why Aren't I Posting Anymore?

It's certainly not because I couldn't think of anything to complain about, because I got LOADS of stuff. Just nothing blog appropriate. I'm just finding it hard to "comedy complain" when I have actual complaints.

I had a haircut yesterday, and I saw that as an in. Because usually when I get my haircut locally, it's rubbish. But the lady did a good job. Can I complain about her doing a good job and denying me a blogging opportunity? Not really, because I appear to be writing anyway.

So I'll complain about having to watch 'Shaun of the Dead' on my own tonight. It's not really the same.

Hopefully me and my brain will be back soon, but I wouldn't count on it.